X-Blades and I’ve had a deeply personal journey in the months leading up to its release. Publisher Southpeak cares about sending me screenshots of the game as some sort of celestial punishment for a crime unknown. Perhaps they were able to predict the review score I was destined to give their hack n’ slash action game, and were tormenting me in advance.

As a fan of mindless action games, I was looking forward to taking control of sword-wielding, thong-wearing Ayumi and get down to some good old fashioned violence. Was I left fulfilled or disappointed? Is X-Blades as sexy as the main character’s needlessly exposed arse, or as ugly as the main character’s creepy, malformed anime head?

Re-read the first paragraph and take a wild guess, as we review X-Blades.

X-Blades (PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 [reviewed])
Developer: Gaijin Entertainment
Publisher: Southpeak/Topware
Released: February 10, 2009
MSRP: $49.99

While X-Blades is light on story, one does exist. You play the role of Ayumi, a self-professed treasure hunter that wanders the world in just her underwear, looking for rare treasures so she may acquire power and fortune. One day she uncovers a mysterious cursed artifact, which does what all mysterious cursed artifacts do, and unleashes all kinds of nasty horror around the world. Luckily, Ayumi has two swords with guns on them and access to a whole host of magic spells. That’s convenient.

X-Blades has an untraditional level progression that plays more like a series of arena battles than a plot-driven linear game. Each new area is finished by destroying all the monsters and then unlocking the exit. While Ayumi can continue her adventure through each of the exits, you can also work your way back through the game, running across previously traversed exits in order to mop up undiscovered items or do a bit of training. If you really, really want to … and you don’t.

Combat focuses on Ayumi’s three main modes of attack — swords, guns or magic spells. Different enemies are vulnerable to different attack styles, and are generally easily recognizable. If they’re flying around, you’ll need spells, if they’re bulky and up close, you’ll need to use the swords, and if they’re small, hard to hit monsters, you’ll need the guns. While it’s a nice idea, the game is so counter-intuitive and piles on so many different enemies at once that the whole thing becomes a large, uncomfortable mess.